I have tried my hardest to put the past behind me and move on. But so many times, thoughts of going back to starving myself have been triggered by people in my everyday life. And what makes me more disappointed and angry is that, the person who always remind me of my past is my mother. I used to starve myself to a point that my health suffered, but I never told anyone, not even my mom. I could never tell my mom cause she thinks all these is some kind of joke. She will just laugh at it and tell me to eat. But she doesn't stop me from starving myself. Every morning, I used to survive secondary school with just a cup of fresh milk and cereal, and the cup wasn't even filled. That's all I ate till I came home because I would skip recess. Even when I came home which is already dinnertime, and my mom usually cooks at home. She knows the amount of rice I scooped is so little, like just a tablespoon of rice. She always pointed out how little rice I ate but she never tried to make me eat more. In fact, she sort of encourages because she agrees that you don't have to eat that much carbohydrates at night or you will become fat. But mind you, I haven't eaten for the whole bloody day. Sometimes I would even shake and break into cold sweat uncontrollably by dinnertime because I wasn't eating enough. Classic mom doesn't notice anything and I just let myself shake away. I guess I was trying to get her attention but I don't want to tell her directly either that 'hey look I am trying to starve myself. Do something about it.' I always wished she would stop me from starving myself or anybody but everybody was too damn blind to notice.
And worse, she thinks I am being over sensitive whenever I think she is indirectly telling me I AM FAT. It's not rocket science to know what she truly meant, and I am certainly not overreacting because it is my mom, MY OWN MOM, telling me all these bad things like how fat my thighs look in the photo. How am I supposed to keep my cool every single bloody day with her. She only reminds me of how I wanted to be thin, how I mistreated myself, how she didn't cared for me or noticed that something was wrong with me, and the worst of all, use those words to hurt me over and over again. Do you not understand that that word FAT can just easily destroy a person. I feel so tempted to just starve myself all over again to just prove her wrong that I want to be thin and this is not some kind of joke AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW. I WANT TO SEE IF YOU WOULD EVEN DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Okay I craved for the attention from my mom maybe, but is that wrong? Aren't mothers supposed to care for your child, tell you are beautiful in your own ways and nobody should ever make you feel otherwise. My mom doesn't. And it hurts so much because MY OWN MOM makes me feel UGLY, FAT AND HORRIBLE. I give her the silent treatment every time she says something like that, and I am pretty sure she isn't that stupid to not know the reason why I am giving her the silent treatment. But classic mom pretends everything is fine and jokes about me being angry/petty. You know I could just scream at your face and tell you what the fucking problem is. But I don't scream at people, no matter how mad I am, I just don't. I am forever that coward who bottles up my feelings because I am afraid of showing my feelings to others. I don't want to cry in front of anybody because I feel stupid. I feel ridiculous opening up to my mom because she wouldn't understand. Instead I pray and wish that someone will magically know what the fucking problem is with me.
But I am VERY, VERY sick and tired of always feeling like that. Sometimes I wish vampires do exist so that they can compel my mind to forget those that made me angry or even the feeling of anger.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Feeling alone
When I was younger I used to feel alone when I would wake up and realised that everybody was not at home. I wasn't afraid or sad that they won't come back because I knew they will, but that feeling when you wake up and not seeing them first thing in the morning, well it sucks. So every time my mom had a day off from work and stayed at home, I would feel so happy, safe and secure that somebody is home for me to wake up to. I just needed somebody's presence around me. Because back then as a child, what problems did I have? Nothing that would matter today.
I guess I have been feeling alone since young. Just that now the feelings have multiplied and they have become worse. It isn't just seeing the people you love first thing in the morning when you wake up that can fill up the loneliness. The feeling of being alone has been accumulated over the years, that you actually convinced yourself that no matter where you are, you are still gonna be lonely, even in a room load full of people.
Loneliness is a scary thing. You find ways to fill up this loneliness, thinking it would solve the problem. But no, this isn't solving, its running away from being alone. We should be asking ourselves 'why do I feel alone all the time' and solve the root of the problem. Yes, it is good to take some time off from being alone. But eventually, you will become attached to them, whether it's something or somebody. And sometimes you don't even know how much you have become dependent on them, until you have lose them. If one day they are no longer in your life, you will feel that a part of you is missing too. And that's gonna be worse.
The worst part of feeling alone is to pretend that you don't feel alone.
-Cheryl
I guess I have been feeling alone since young. Just that now the feelings have multiplied and they have become worse. It isn't just seeing the people you love first thing in the morning when you wake up that can fill up the loneliness. The feeling of being alone has been accumulated over the years, that you actually convinced yourself that no matter where you are, you are still gonna be lonely, even in a room load full of people.
Loneliness is a scary thing. You find ways to fill up this loneliness, thinking it would solve the problem. But no, this isn't solving, its running away from being alone. We should be asking ourselves 'why do I feel alone all the time' and solve the root of the problem. Yes, it is good to take some time off from being alone. But eventually, you will become attached to them, whether it's something or somebody. And sometimes you don't even know how much you have become dependent on them, until you have lose them. If one day they are no longer in your life, you will feel that a part of you is missing too. And that's gonna be worse.
The worst part of feeling alone is to pretend that you don't feel alone.
-Cheryl
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Monsters and love
"When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it." -Caitlyn Siehl
When I first saw this quote, it immediately hit me, what a fool I am. All this time I have been my own monster. A monster who fed me with toxic thoughts and made me believe in them. But how was I supposed to escape from myself? It made me believe all the horrible things I thought I was. But most of all, it made me hated myself as a whole. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I was disgusted with the way I look. It told me I will be happy if I became skinny. I thought I would love myself more if I was skinnier.
After 2 years, I finally stopped obsessing with my weight. Occasionally, other people's words will trigger the thought of starving myself again but I am stronger now. I can push away these thoughts. I am no longer that helpless person who can't fight back my own monster. Well that's one step to becoming a stronger and better person. Even when I see models on magazines, they are no longer my inspiration to become thinner, but my fashion inspiration. And to be honest, I have been quite proud of myself. I want to let go, and I am in the process of letting go. I want to accept my own monster, tell it that I love it. Despite all the things it did to me which I am not proud of. But in the end, the monster is still myself. I have to forgive myself, learn from my past and move on. Then I won't be a monster anymore.
I always had that fantasy that one day, I will fall in love with a boy who can make me love myself, because I hated myself so much. Silly me, how can I possibly love someone else when I can't even love myself. Cheesy as it sounds but it is true. I was confused between love and being emotionally attached to someone. I thought I have fallen in love with that person unknowingly, but the truth is I never experienced love at all. I don't know what love is. I kept giving myself fantasies of what love should be. I was deprived of love, and I had this need to feel that someone will care for me. Because I was feeling alone and that nobody cared. And because I hurt myself again and again, I picked that someone whom I believed will fill up my loneliness and repair my 'wounds'. I was in need of somebody, not in love with somebody. That someone was always there when I needed somebody to talk to, to hang out with, to comfort me. Eventually I developed an emotional attachment to him. And that becomes demanding and desperate. Because when he stopped talking to me, I thought he stopped caring for me. And when he told me he liked someone else, I became jealous, angry and hurt. At first I thought having these feelings must meant that I have fallen in love with this guy, deeply. But no, the reason I am having all these feelings is because I am emotionally attached to him. If you love someone, it won't be a need. It won't be demanding and desperate.
Anyway why do I even need a boyfriend now? If I were a boy, I would be the best/perfect boyfriend for myself. Because only I would understand myself the best. Or maybe I could just start treating myself as a boyfriend, by loving myself for who I am. Fuck those fantasies, I don't need an anonymous person to write me love letters. I would write letters to myself, and just to remind myself daily that "I am beautiful" and "I love myself".
Feelings are complicated and its hard to understand feelings. But I am trying to understand my feelings so that I can understand myself better. See now I know the difference between love and being emotionally attached, thanks to that someone. I also learnt that I can't love someone else if I can't even love myself. And then I came across this quote, that brought a whole new level of insight to me. It's such a simple yet a beautiful quote, if you can relate to it. I almost cried when I saw this quote, because it meant so much to me.
And this time, I am serious about making myself happy. I really want to make an effort to understand myself better. I am trying to put myself as top priority now. That's why I decided to let go of our friendship so that I can prevent myself from getting more hurt. Even though it fucking hurts to end our friendship, but I am sorry I got to be selfish this time. It wasn't easy for me to do that. But for once, I just want to do something good for myself.
When I first saw this quote, it immediately hit me, what a fool I am. All this time I have been my own monster. A monster who fed me with toxic thoughts and made me believe in them. But how was I supposed to escape from myself? It made me believe all the horrible things I thought I was. But most of all, it made me hated myself as a whole. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I was disgusted with the way I look. It told me I will be happy if I became skinny. I thought I would love myself more if I was skinnier.
After 2 years, I finally stopped obsessing with my weight. Occasionally, other people's words will trigger the thought of starving myself again but I am stronger now. I can push away these thoughts. I am no longer that helpless person who can't fight back my own monster. Well that's one step to becoming a stronger and better person. Even when I see models on magazines, they are no longer my inspiration to become thinner, but my fashion inspiration. And to be honest, I have been quite proud of myself. I want to let go, and I am in the process of letting go. I want to accept my own monster, tell it that I love it. Despite all the things it did to me which I am not proud of. But in the end, the monster is still myself. I have to forgive myself, learn from my past and move on. Then I won't be a monster anymore.
I always had that fantasy that one day, I will fall in love with a boy who can make me love myself, because I hated myself so much. Silly me, how can I possibly love someone else when I can't even love myself. Cheesy as it sounds but it is true. I was confused between love and being emotionally attached to someone. I thought I have fallen in love with that person unknowingly, but the truth is I never experienced love at all. I don't know what love is. I kept giving myself fantasies of what love should be. I was deprived of love, and I had this need to feel that someone will care for me. Because I was feeling alone and that nobody cared. And because I hurt myself again and again, I picked that someone whom I believed will fill up my loneliness and repair my 'wounds'. I was in need of somebody, not in love with somebody. That someone was always there when I needed somebody to talk to, to hang out with, to comfort me. Eventually I developed an emotional attachment to him. And that becomes demanding and desperate. Because when he stopped talking to me, I thought he stopped caring for me. And when he told me he liked someone else, I became jealous, angry and hurt. At first I thought having these feelings must meant that I have fallen in love with this guy, deeply. But no, the reason I am having all these feelings is because I am emotionally attached to him. If you love someone, it won't be a need. It won't be demanding and desperate.
Anyway why do I even need a boyfriend now? If I were a boy, I would be the best/perfect boyfriend for myself. Because only I would understand myself the best. Or maybe I could just start treating myself as a boyfriend, by loving myself for who I am. Fuck those fantasies, I don't need an anonymous person to write me love letters. I would write letters to myself, and just to remind myself daily that "I am beautiful" and "I love myself".
Feelings are complicated and its hard to understand feelings. But I am trying to understand my feelings so that I can understand myself better. See now I know the difference between love and being emotionally attached, thanks to that someone. I also learnt that I can't love someone else if I can't even love myself. And then I came across this quote, that brought a whole new level of insight to me. It's such a simple yet a beautiful quote, if you can relate to it. I almost cried when I saw this quote, because it meant so much to me.
And this time, I am serious about making myself happy. I really want to make an effort to understand myself better. I am trying to put myself as top priority now. That's why I decided to let go of our friendship so that I can prevent myself from getting more hurt. Even though it fucking hurts to end our friendship, but I am sorry I got to be selfish this time. It wasn't easy for me to do that. But for once, I just want to do something good for myself.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Everyone Hurts
I am not ashamed to admit that I AM HURTING INSIDE. You shouldn't be ashamed of your own feelings too, because feelings are a part of you. And if you are ashamed of them, it only means you have issues with yourself. Which is also perfectly fine because nobody is perfect, we think we aren't good enough for ourselves, we are insecure freaks. Tell me who is 100% happy with themselves?!?! NOBODY.
I have finally realised that all these years that I have been hurting and torturing myself has made me feeling almost like I'm dead. Not literally, I mean emotionally, I am like a zombie. I had no feelings, at least that's how I wanted to portray myself as, I wanted to be ICE COLD QUEEN. Whatever everybody says doesn't bother me, which IS SUCH A FUCKING BIG LIE because who wouldn't be bothered by others' opinions/judgement. All I wanted was to feel nothing. I mean yes I have feelings- happy, sad, worry all the time, but all these feelings only stayed for a while. I knew I would feel nothing eventually, so I won't be afraid of feeling THIS- PAIN.
Which then I realised feeling PAIN is a beautiful thing. Yes, it hurts like A FUCKING BITCH but HELL YEAH this is one of those moments when one will say "I'd rather hurt than to feel nothing at all". It makes me feel human again. I realised I do have feelings and that I can NEVER run away from them. FEELINGS ARE A PART OF YOU. If you can't even accept your own feelings, I am pretty sure you have issues with accepting yourself. I feel the same way, and right now I learnt that partly why I couldn't accept myself was because I always running away from my feelings. I want to tell myself and YOU, whoever may be reading this that HAVING FEELINGS IS NORMAL. You don't have to be afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.
For the first time, my heart was wrenching. It was so painful, I literally felt my heart being stabbed all the time, even in my dreams and when I wake up in the morning. Initially I was mad at myself for feeling like that. Doesn't it sound stupid to be mad at yourself for having feelings? I mean feelings cannot be controlled. I'm sorry I or you have to feel that way but that's life, you can't run away from them every time. It's impossible. LIFE ISN'T EASY OKAY. But I'm glad I have (unknowingly) given somebody a chance to hurt me. It has always been hard for me to trust someone with my problems because I felt like nobody would give a shit about me. But I did trust that someone with my problems. I let that someone in. But let's just say it wasn't Happily Ever After. In the past, the only person that has hurt me was myself, and I just let myself do it because it was myself anyway. I have been hurting and torturing myself for so long, I got numb to the constant hurt and pain I caused myself. I forgot how to feel. I had rather feel nothing, And now, I'm starting to feel again. I feel human, I feel alive. It feels good to hurt. Seriously!
They always say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain, which I totally agree. I could be cutting my wrist (don't worry I don't cut my wrist) and feel physical pain for that moment. But afterwards, the emotional pain WILL STILL BE THERE. What's the point? And worst of all, scars will remain on my wrist. To me, it just isn't worth it. I had rather experience emotional pain. I don't expect the pain to disappear anytime soon, even though I desperately want it gone but feelings will stay, at least for some time. So for the mean time, I shall just appreciate these feelings and just enjoy being hurt.
Cheers to a better life! :))
Xoxo,
Cheryl
I have finally realised that all these years that I have been hurting and torturing myself has made me feeling almost like I'm dead. Not literally, I mean emotionally, I am like a zombie. I had no feelings, at least that's how I wanted to portray myself as, I wanted to be ICE COLD QUEEN. Whatever everybody says doesn't bother me, which IS SUCH A FUCKING BIG LIE because who wouldn't be bothered by others' opinions/judgement. All I wanted was to feel nothing. I mean yes I have feelings- happy, sad, worry all the time, but all these feelings only stayed for a while. I knew I would feel nothing eventually, so I won't be afraid of feeling THIS- PAIN.
Which then I realised feeling PAIN is a beautiful thing. Yes, it hurts like A FUCKING BITCH but HELL YEAH this is one of those moments when one will say "I'd rather hurt than to feel nothing at all". It makes me feel human again. I realised I do have feelings and that I can NEVER run away from them. FEELINGS ARE A PART OF YOU. If you can't even accept your own feelings, I am pretty sure you have issues with accepting yourself. I feel the same way, and right now I learnt that partly why I couldn't accept myself was because I always running away from my feelings. I want to tell myself and YOU, whoever may be reading this that HAVING FEELINGS IS NORMAL. You don't have to be afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.
For the first time, my heart was wrenching. It was so painful, I literally felt my heart being stabbed all the time, even in my dreams and when I wake up in the morning. Initially I was mad at myself for feeling like that. Doesn't it sound stupid to be mad at yourself for having feelings? I mean feelings cannot be controlled. I'm sorry I or you have to feel that way but that's life, you can't run away from them every time. It's impossible. LIFE ISN'T EASY OKAY. But I'm glad I have (unknowingly) given somebody a chance to hurt me. It has always been hard for me to trust someone with my problems because I felt like nobody would give a shit about me. But I did trust that someone with my problems. I let that someone in. But let's just say it wasn't Happily Ever After. In the past, the only person that has hurt me was myself, and I just let myself do it because it was myself anyway. I have been hurting and torturing myself for so long, I got numb to the constant hurt and pain I caused myself. I forgot how to feel. I had rather feel nothing, And now, I'm starting to feel again. I feel human, I feel alive. It feels good to hurt. Seriously!
They always say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain, which I totally agree. I could be cutting my wrist (don't worry I don't cut my wrist) and feel physical pain for that moment. But afterwards, the emotional pain WILL STILL BE THERE. What's the point? And worst of all, scars will remain on my wrist. To me, it just isn't worth it. I had rather experience emotional pain. I don't expect the pain to disappear anytime soon, even though I desperately want it gone but feelings will stay, at least for some time. So for the mean time, I shall just appreciate these feelings and just enjoy being hurt.
Cheers to a better life! :))
Xoxo,
Cheryl
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Tired of pretending to be happy
I have been pushing this unhappy and hate feelings towards myself for so long, that I almost forgot I even had those feelings. For once I really thought I could let go of my insecurities and become a happier person. I am wrong, I am so wrong. Pushing them away isn't a solution, I am just running away and getting numb to the pain and the hurt that I have caused myself. What if one day this numbing sensation is gone, and all these feelings could be felt again? This is how I feel now, it's so painful that I am crying, but I don't want to show my pain to others. I don't ever want to show anyone that I am broken inside. Because they wouldn't understand, nobody would. I remember how horrible I felt then. I am such a horrible person. All I have done is bring pain and hurt to myself, again and again. I hate doing this to myself but I can't help it. I have pretended to be happy when all I want is to just cry in front of people, people who care about me. But right now, I feel as if nobody cares about me, and that thought hurts me even more. I am so tired of trying to be strong for myself. I can't be strong when I, myself is my own enemy, who is always bringing me down. I just want to be free from my own thoughts, why is it so hard to just shut these thoughts away. Why do they always have to make me feel so bad. I always wish someone would tell me OUT LOUD that all these thoughts are wrong, that THEY ARE NOT TRUE. I wish somebody would assure me that I am not what I think I am.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Ranting
I am pissed at myself because today, I finally have the motivation to film my next youtube video but I am down with a flu and block nose. Motivation like this don't come by everyday, when I have the motivation I have to accomplish it because I am afraid the next day when I wake up, the motivation has disappeared. I want to be productive today because I have been slacking way too much and feel guilty about it. I aspire to be a YouTuber, but how the hell am I going to be one if I am not committed and not posting regularly. I need to STOP dreaming and start doing something. It's no use if I just sit here reading other people's blog and dream to be a blogger like them, BUT NOT START BLOGGING MYSELF. Why am I so useless, can't I just be productive and do something UGH. This is one of those days I am sure everybody goes through at some point in their lives. WHAT THE F AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. I NEED TO BE PRODUCTIVE. STOP BEING SO LAZY. DO SOMETHING NOW.
I'm probably going to back to sleep and hope when I wake up, my flu is gone. Bye.
I'm probably going to back to sleep and hope when I wake up, my flu is gone. Bye.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Aspirations and Inspirations
Hey guys! 2014 keeps getting better for me ( I hope it goes the same for everyone else! ) If things ain't going your way so far, don't worry! We are only halfway through the first month of the year! I am sure many opportunities are coming up your way! So keep your heads up!
So why did I say that 2014 keeps getting better is because ...... of my O level results! YES it's finally out ( on Monday )! Sorry I am kind of slow in posting because I am currently working, but today is my off day, so I finally have the time to do some blogging!! My results are eligible for the course that I have always wanted ( for the past 2 years )!! I am so HAPPYYYYYYY!!!! Oh right, I forgot to say, the course is none other than mass communication! I aspire to open up my own fashion magazine because FASHION IS MY PASSION! I would like to be a fashion journalist and travel around the world writing about the things that I am most passionate about! So getting into mass communication is one step closer to my dreams! Now O levels are nothing to me, like the subjects I took ( triple science ), yeah sure they gave me lots of knowledge to our human body but I figured out that science isn't what I want to pursue anymore. I used to want to be a teacher, then an interior designer, then an architect, then a marine biologist, then a guinea... As you can tell I was a very fickle minded person. One moment I aspire to be this and the next I aspire to be that. However, I made up my mind that I am serious about fashion. I have been sticking to my dreams for the past 2-3 years, I can say that is the longest time I have been serious about my aspirations. Fashion never fails to bore me. I feel that there is always something special in every piece of clothing I saw. I am always fascinated by what material is used to make each clothing. Especially here at ParcoNextNext where I get to see the works of local designers, the designs and materials are really really different from your common high street brands. Always during my free time ( 90% of my working time ), I would just walk around the shop aimlessly, looking at the clothes and touching them. Wondering what the designers were thinking while designing all these wonderful pieces. Some designs may be somewhat similar, but the thought processing and the material the designers use for each clothing is different. If you are thinking why not be a fashion designer, I have thought of being that too! But i just cannot draw.... See, why I was such a fickle minded person was that there was always that one thing that made me feel intimidated and so gave up on it. But you should NEVER GIVE UP! For example, I wanted to be a model so badly, but because of my height, I am sure I can never be one. I gave up on that dream once but deep inside, I hope that one day I may emerge as an extra petite model as long as I keep believing. Being a model now is just a dream, if I ever get to be one, I would say it's a bonus in life. I should focus on the things that I am serious about and achieving them, the other dreams may come true if they are meant to be, so I won't have high hopes on them.
Since now my grades are eligible for the course that I want, I am NOT letting this chance slip past me. So the option of going to a junior college is a straight NO. I don't want to have any more regrets for choosing the wrong subjects. I know my parents wanted me to enter a junior college, then to a local university and be a doctor or a teacher. But that is not my interest at all, maybe used to be but not NOW. I am clear of what I want so nothing is going to stop me. Besides that path is too common for many Singaporeans. I just want to be different and go for something that I am really passionate about. I am aware that the fashion industry in Singapore is not very ( how should I put it? ) sustainable as compared to the science industry. Passion is nothing compared to money. I know my parents' next line, ' you are still young, you don't know how hard it is to survive without money, cost of living is very high here....blah blah blah...'. Okay I get it! But if I work hard, I am sure I am able to survive a decent living. Besides I will definitely venture abroad, who knows if I will be migrating?
For now, I am young and fearless. Know what you love and go for it! Life is not supposed to be smooth sailing, if it is, how boring is that? -.- Sometimes I dream of FAILING ( I know! Which person dreams of failing?!?!?!?! ) , and then pick myself up and do MUCH BETTER if i didn't fail at all. In the end, you will realize that everything was worthwhile in the process.
And I really love this quote a lot, which is ' work hard in silence let success make the noise '. Actually last year was a battle for me. I can say it was my worst year throughout my whole life. I did work hard figuring out who I was, overcoming my fears and handling my feelings all by myself. Nobody knew what I was going through, I was depressed. It was a tough one but I made it through with countless of lessons learnt and a stronger me. And my success was to get into the course that I always wanted. This will be my history and it made me have another aspiration! Which is to write a book and inspire others about my struggles and not giving up because I did it! See, not all downs are bad!
So that's all I have to say, I am not sure what my post title should be hmmm...another ranting? xD
Thanks for reading! Byeeee~
Xoxo,
Cheryl
So why did I say that 2014 keeps getting better is because ...... of my O level results! YES it's finally out ( on Monday )! Sorry I am kind of slow in posting because I am currently working, but today is my off day, so I finally have the time to do some blogging!! My results are eligible for the course that I have always wanted ( for the past 2 years )!! I am so HAPPYYYYYYY!!!! Oh right, I forgot to say, the course is none other than mass communication! I aspire to open up my own fashion magazine because FASHION IS MY PASSION! I would like to be a fashion journalist and travel around the world writing about the things that I am most passionate about! So getting into mass communication is one step closer to my dreams! Now O levels are nothing to me, like the subjects I took ( triple science ), yeah sure they gave me lots of knowledge to our human body but I figured out that science isn't what I want to pursue anymore. I used to want to be a teacher, then an interior designer, then an architect, then a marine biologist, then a guinea... As you can tell I was a very fickle minded person. One moment I aspire to be this and the next I aspire to be that. However, I made up my mind that I am serious about fashion. I have been sticking to my dreams for the past 2-3 years, I can say that is the longest time I have been serious about my aspirations. Fashion never fails to bore me. I feel that there is always something special in every piece of clothing I saw. I am always fascinated by what material is used to make each clothing. Especially here at ParcoNextNext where I get to see the works of local designers, the designs and materials are really really different from your common high street brands. Always during my free time ( 90% of my working time ), I would just walk around the shop aimlessly, looking at the clothes and touching them. Wondering what the designers were thinking while designing all these wonderful pieces. Some designs may be somewhat similar, but the thought processing and the material the designers use for each clothing is different. If you are thinking why not be a fashion designer, I have thought of being that too! But i just cannot draw.... See, why I was such a fickle minded person was that there was always that one thing that made me feel intimidated and so gave up on it. But you should NEVER GIVE UP! For example, I wanted to be a model so badly, but because of my height, I am sure I can never be one. I gave up on that dream once but deep inside, I hope that one day I may emerge as an extra petite model as long as I keep believing. Being a model now is just a dream, if I ever get to be one, I would say it's a bonus in life. I should focus on the things that I am serious about and achieving them, the other dreams may come true if they are meant to be, so I won't have high hopes on them.
Since now my grades are eligible for the course that I want, I am NOT letting this chance slip past me. So the option of going to a junior college is a straight NO. I don't want to have any more regrets for choosing the wrong subjects. I know my parents wanted me to enter a junior college, then to a local university and be a doctor or a teacher. But that is not my interest at all, maybe used to be but not NOW. I am clear of what I want so nothing is going to stop me. Besides that path is too common for many Singaporeans. I just want to be different and go for something that I am really passionate about. I am aware that the fashion industry in Singapore is not very ( how should I put it? ) sustainable as compared to the science industry. Passion is nothing compared to money. I know my parents' next line, ' you are still young, you don't know how hard it is to survive without money, cost of living is very high here....blah blah blah...'. Okay I get it! But if I work hard, I am sure I am able to survive a decent living. Besides I will definitely venture abroad, who knows if I will be migrating?
For now, I am young and fearless. Know what you love and go for it! Life is not supposed to be smooth sailing, if it is, how boring is that? -.- Sometimes I dream of FAILING ( I know! Which person dreams of failing?!?!?!?! ) , and then pick myself up and do MUCH BETTER if i didn't fail at all. In the end, you will realize that everything was worthwhile in the process.
And I really love this quote a lot, which is ' work hard in silence let success make the noise '. Actually last year was a battle for me. I can say it was my worst year throughout my whole life. I did work hard figuring out who I was, overcoming my fears and handling my feelings all by myself. Nobody knew what I was going through, I was depressed. It was a tough one but I made it through with countless of lessons learnt and a stronger me. And my success was to get into the course that I always wanted. This will be my history and it made me have another aspiration! Which is to write a book and inspire others about my struggles and not giving up because I did it! See, not all downs are bad!
So that's all I have to say, I am not sure what my post title should be hmmm...another ranting? xD
Thanks for reading! Byeeee~
Xoxo,
Cheryl
Thursday, January 2, 2014
My lost baggage from Bangkok
Hey guys! I know I haven't talk much about my recent Bangkok trip is because I didn't want to be reminded of my lost baggage which consists of MOSTLY MY NEW CLOTHES. Imagine buying a pile of clothes, the hours spent finding all of them and anticipating to wear them out. But with just a blink of an eye, they are all gone! I was too tired to be angry when I lost my baggage at the airport. So I didn't grumble much about it, but I had this good feeling that my baggage was going to be found. AND IT DID! I was sleeping so soundly today because I have NO SCHOOL ( while all my juniors have ) and my sister told me to wake up by 11 am because the delivery man will be here to deliver my baggage. The man was late by more than an hour. I was getting impatient....so I went to watch The Carrie Diaries to distract myself. Halfway through the show, he finally showed at my doorstep. There he was carrying my lost baggage. I was so happy, no words can describe how I felt! Thank god there was nothing less in my baggage, it arrived back in one piece with nothing missing! Even the roll of toilet paper was still inside! Everyone was saying I couldn't retrieve my baggage because it has been more than a week and still no news about it. Finally the person from scoot called my mom to say they had found it!
My sister was so mad that night at the airport. We could lose all the snacks that we bought but NOT this baggage! We were blaming everyone else except ourselves. I know that when we are mad, we become unreasonable and blame others. Everyone was in bad mood that night because it was already 12 midnight and we were all exhausted. I still had to work the next day. The next morning, things cooled down a bit and I talked to my sister. After talking so much, we realized blaming others was so ridiculous. We just went on and on on who to blame. I think things just happen, just not our luck that night. At least we were back home safely. And in the end, still managed to retrieve it after more than a week.
The worst feeling of losing my baggage was that I bought many vintage clothes from Bangkok ( I am recently obsessed with vintage style!!! ) and they were all SO CHEAP! Only 100 baht for each blouse?!?! That's like about SGD 4 ! I was at The Editor's Market 2 days ago and compared the prices, one vintage blouse is $29!! Nonetheless, I still bought it because I was mad that I lost all my vintage blouses. This was the very first time I felt a heartache shopping. Of course the quality of the blouses here are MUCH BETTER, but still......
I don't regret buying those vintage blouses from The Editor's Market. The prints are all very unique and in limited pieces! I will post pictures of them on my Instagram ( @theunpsokenmelodies ) next time when I wear them!
From this lost baggage incident, I did learn lessons from it. It was our fault for not taking care of our baggage. The next time I go to Bangkok, I will hold to my baggage so tightly and never let them go. I never want to feel the pain of losing new clothes EVER AGAIN even though they are so cheap. The hard work and hours of shopping are wasted if they really all went missing....
I could have taken care of that baggage if it wasn't for my excruciating tummy ache! I spent the whole of last morning at Bangkok in the toilet, when we were supposed to be shopping! I never had that kind of tummy ache before, the pain was so great my face turned pale and I almost fainted. I thought I was going to spend the last moment in Bangkok at the hospital. Thankfully I didn't! I think losing my baggage is MUCH BETTER than staying in the hospital!
I do want to blog about my Bangkok trip but I don't think I will do it today because I have to refresh my memories in Bangkok. It was a really fun trip despite the ups and downs! And I will definitely will be coming back for MORE SHOPPING!!!
Xoxo,
CHERYL!
My sister was so mad that night at the airport. We could lose all the snacks that we bought but NOT this baggage! We were blaming everyone else except ourselves. I know that when we are mad, we become unreasonable and blame others. Everyone was in bad mood that night because it was already 12 midnight and we were all exhausted. I still had to work the next day. The next morning, things cooled down a bit and I talked to my sister. After talking so much, we realized blaming others was so ridiculous. We just went on and on on who to blame. I think things just happen, just not our luck that night. At least we were back home safely. And in the end, still managed to retrieve it after more than a week.
The worst feeling of losing my baggage was that I bought many vintage clothes from Bangkok ( I am recently obsessed with vintage style!!! ) and they were all SO CHEAP! Only 100 baht for each blouse?!?! That's like about SGD 4 ! I was at The Editor's Market 2 days ago and compared the prices, one vintage blouse is $29!! Nonetheless, I still bought it because I was mad that I lost all my vintage blouses. This was the very first time I felt a heartache shopping. Of course the quality of the blouses here are MUCH BETTER, but still......
I don't regret buying those vintage blouses from The Editor's Market. The prints are all very unique and in limited pieces! I will post pictures of them on my Instagram ( @theunpsokenmelodies ) next time when I wear them!
From this lost baggage incident, I did learn lessons from it. It was our fault for not taking care of our baggage. The next time I go to Bangkok, I will hold to my baggage so tightly and never let them go. I never want to feel the pain of losing new clothes EVER AGAIN even though they are so cheap. The hard work and hours of shopping are wasted if they really all went missing....
I could have taken care of that baggage if it wasn't for my excruciating tummy ache! I spent the whole of last morning at Bangkok in the toilet, when we were supposed to be shopping! I never had that kind of tummy ache before, the pain was so great my face turned pale and I almost fainted. I thought I was going to spend the last moment in Bangkok at the hospital. Thankfully I didn't! I think losing my baggage is MUCH BETTER than staying in the hospital!
I do want to blog about my Bangkok trip but I don't think I will do it today because I have to refresh my memories in Bangkok. It was a really fun trip despite the ups and downs! And I will definitely will be coming back for MORE SHOPPING!!!
Xoxo,
CHERYL!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
My random thoughts for the new year
Time passes so fast and I can't believe it is already 2014. 2013 has been a rough year for me but I am thankful for the lessons I learnt from 2013. I feel blessed to be able to close this year by spilling my bottled up feelings to somebody. This is probably the best way to end the year so that on you can start the new year with a positive attitude and leave behind the past. I have never felt so alone this year. I realized all this time that I was bottling up my feelings did more harm than good. I thought nobody would ever understand me because I believed nobody was going through the struggles that I was going through. I was wrong, I was the one pushing everyone away. I thought it would be better for me and the people around me, so that I wouldn't be a burden to anyone. In the end, the only person I was hurting was myself. None of my friends could see the hurt through my eyes. I did not want them to anyway but deep in my heart, I was hoping someone, or anybody to look into my eyes and say ' you are not okay '. All of the things I wanted which I could easily just buy, I wanted a true friend so much, and that is someone you cannot buy. A true friend who understands me and is willing to listen to me, and not just ditch me when they find another friend. I have so many friends like that and I keep wondering to myself what have I done wrong to lose a friend. Up to now, I still don't have the answer. It really hurts when I treat my friends like my true friends and they don't. I tell them most of my troubles but they don't. Do they not trust me? I have a friend who everyone thinks I am very close to. In actual fact, after 3 or 4 lines of our conversation, there will be awkward silence. Close friends aren't like that. We should be comfortable speaking about anything. There is just this invisible obstacle that I cannot break through between us, I tried and tried but I just couldn't. So I guess I should just let her go. I hope that in 2014, when I start schooling, I can find at least one true friend that I can comfortably speak with. But I am glad that my cousin is by my side these few days just before the start of a new year. We haven't really spoken for years since our childhood days. We had our problems so we kept our distance. I think timing is key when it comes to finding a true friend, or in this case, cousin. We talked so much these past few days, I even stayed till 4am just to catch up with him. That was when I realized that we had so much in common, and that somebody out there actually cares about me and understands my struggles. When we hang out yesterday on New Year's eve, we literally did not stop talking at all the whole time. Our conversation just keeps continuing and I don't even get tired talking to him. I even forgot that my leg was hurting from walking so much. I just wanted to talk, that made me extremely happy. I must say it was one of my happiest day ever, just talking and shopping.
All I want to say is, if you ever feel alone, always remember that you are not alone. There will be somebody out there who truly cares about you, that somebody if doesn't appear today, will appear someday. I hope 2014 will be an awesome year for everybody or at least better than 2013! Good luck! :)
Xoxo,
Cheryl
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)