Monsters and love

"When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it." -Caitlyn Siehl

When I first saw this quote, it immediately hit me, what a fool I am. All this time I have been my own monster. A monster who fed me with toxic thoughts and made me believe in them. But how was I supposed to escape from myself? It made me believe all the horrible things I thought I was. But most of all, it made me hated myself as a whole. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I was disgusted with the way I look.  It told me I will be happy if I became skinny. I thought I would love myself more if I was skinnier.

After 2 years, I finally stopped obsessing with my weight. Occasionally, other people's words will trigger the thought of starving myself again but I am stronger now. I can push away these thoughts. I am no longer that helpless person who can't fight back my own monster. Well that's one step to becoming a stronger and better person. Even when I see models on magazines, they are no longer my inspiration to become thinner, but my fashion inspiration. And to be honest, I have been quite proud of myself. I want to let go, and I am in the process of letting go. I want to accept my own monster, tell it that I love it. Despite all the things it did to me which I am not proud of. But in the end, the monster is still myself. I have to forgive myself, learn from my past and move on. Then I won't be a monster anymore.

I always had that fantasy that one day, I will fall in love with a boy who can make me love myself, because I hated myself so much. Silly me, how can I possibly love someone else when I can't even love myself. Cheesy as it sounds but it is true. I was confused between love and being emotionally attached to someone. I thought I have fallen in love with that person unknowingly, but the truth is I never experienced love at all. I don't know what love is. I kept giving myself fantasies of what love should be. I was deprived of love, and I had this need to feel that someone will care for me. Because I was feeling alone and that nobody cared. And because I hurt myself again and again, I picked that someone whom I believed will fill up my loneliness and repair my 'wounds'. I was in need of somebody, not in love with somebody. That someone was always there when I needed somebody to talk to, to hang out with, to comfort me. Eventually I developed an emotional attachment to him. And that becomes demanding and desperate. Because when he stopped talking to me, I thought he stopped caring for me. And when he told me he liked someone else, I became jealous, angry and hurt. At first I thought having these feelings must meant that I have fallen in love with this guy, deeply. But no, the reason I am having all these feelings is because I am emotionally attached to him. If you love someone, it won't be a need. It won't be demanding and desperate.

Anyway why do I even need a boyfriend now? If I were a boy, I would be the best/perfect boyfriend for myself. Because only I would understand myself the best. Or maybe I could just start treating myself as a boyfriend, by loving myself for who I am. Fuck those fantasies, I don't need an anonymous person to write me love letters. I would write letters to myself, and just to remind myself daily that "I am beautiful" and "I love myself".

Feelings are complicated and its hard to understand feelings. But I am trying to understand my feelings so that I can understand myself better. See now I know the difference between love and being emotionally attached, thanks to that someone. I also learnt that I can't love someone else if I can't even love myself. And then I came across this quote, that brought a whole new level of insight to me. It's such a simple yet a beautiful quote, if you can relate to it. I almost cried when I saw this quote, because it meant so much to me.

And this time, I am serious about making myself happy. I really want to make an effort to understand myself better. I am trying to put myself as top priority now. That's why I decided to let go of our friendship so that I can prevent myself from getting more hurt. Even though it fucking hurts to end our friendship, but I am sorry I got to be selfish this time. It wasn't easy for me to do that. But for once, I just want to do something good for myself.