Tired of pretending to be happy

I have been pushing this unhappy and hate feelings towards myself for so long, that I almost forgot I even had those feelings. For once I really thought I could let go of my insecurities and become a happier person. I am wrong, I am so wrong. Pushing them away isn't a solution, I am just running away and getting numb to the pain and the hurt that I have caused myself. What if one day this numbing sensation is gone, and all these feelings could be felt again? This is how I feel now, it's so painful that I am crying, but I don't want to show my pain to others. I don't ever want to show anyone that I am broken inside. Because they wouldn't understand, nobody would. I remember how horrible I felt then. I am such a horrible person. All I have done is bring pain and hurt to myself, again and again. I hate doing this to myself but I can't help it. I have pretended to be happy when all I want is to just cry in front of people, people who care about me. But right now, I feel as if nobody cares about me, and that thought hurts me even more. I am so tired of trying to be strong for myself. I can't be strong when I, myself is my own enemy, who is always bringing me down. I just want to be free from my own thoughts, why is it so hard to just shut these thoughts away. Why do they always have to make me feel so bad. I always wish someone would tell me OUT LOUD that all these thoughts are wrong, that THEY ARE NOT TRUE. I wish somebody would assure me that I am not what I think I am.