Rantings

I have tried my hardest to put the past behind me and move on. But so many times, thoughts of going back to starving myself have been triggered by people in my everyday life. And what makes me more disappointed and angry is that, the person who always remind me of my past is my mother. I used to starve myself to a point that my health suffered, but I never told anyone, not even my mom. I could never tell my mom cause she thinks all these is some kind of joke. She will just laugh at it and tell me to eat. But she doesn't stop me from starving myself. Every morning, I used to survive secondary school with just a cup of fresh milk and cereal, and the cup wasn't even filled. That's all I ate till I came home because I would skip recess. Even when I came home which is already dinnertime, and my mom usually cooks at home. She knows the amount of rice I scooped is so little, like just a tablespoon of rice. She always pointed out how little rice I ate but she never tried to make me eat more. In fact, she sort of encourages because she agrees that you don't have to eat that much carbohydrates at night or you will become fat. But mind you, I haven't eaten for the whole bloody day. Sometimes I would even shake and break into cold sweat uncontrollably by dinnertime because I wasn't eating enough. Classic mom doesn't notice anything and I just let myself shake away. I guess I was trying to get her attention but I don't want to tell her directly either that 'hey look I am trying to starve myself. Do something about it.'  I always wished she would stop me from starving myself or anybody but everybody was too damn blind to notice.


And worse, she thinks I am being over sensitive whenever I think she is indirectly telling me I AM FAT. It's not rocket science to know what she truly meant, and I am certainly not overreacting because it is my mom, MY OWN MOM, telling me all these bad things like how fat my thighs look in the photo. How am I supposed to keep my cool every single bloody day with her. She only reminds me of how I wanted to be thin, how I mistreated myself, how she didn't cared for me or noticed that something was wrong with me, and the worst of all, use those words to hurt me over and over again. Do you not understand that that word FAT can just easily destroy a person. I feel so tempted to just starve myself all over again to just prove her wrong that I want to be thin and this is not some kind of joke AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW. I WANT TO SEE IF YOU WOULD EVEN DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Okay I craved for the attention from my mom maybe, but is that wrong? Aren't mothers supposed to care for your child, tell you are beautiful in your own ways and nobody should ever make you feel otherwise. My mom doesn't. And it hurts so much because MY OWN MOM makes me feel UGLY, FAT AND HORRIBLE. I give her the silent treatment every time she says something like that, and I am pretty sure she isn't that stupid to not know the reason why I am giving her the silent treatment. But classic mom pretends everything is fine and jokes about me being angry/petty. You know I could just scream at your face and tell you what the fucking problem is. But I don't scream at people, no matter how mad I am, I just don't. I am forever that coward who bottles up my feelings because I am afraid of showing my feelings to others. I don't want to cry in front of anybody because I feel stupid. I feel ridiculous opening up to my mom because she wouldn't understand. Instead I pray and wish that someone will magically know what the fucking problem is with me.

But I am VERY, VERY sick and tired of always feeling like that. Sometimes I wish vampires do exist so that they can compel my mind to forget those that made me angry or even the feeling of anger.