Time passes so fast and I can't believe it is already 2014. 2013 has been a rough year for me but I am thankful for the lessons I learnt from 2013. I feel blessed to be able to close this year by spilling my bottled up feelings to somebody. This is probably the best way to end the year so that on you can start the new year with a positive attitude and leave behind the past. I have never felt so alone this year. I realized all this time that I was bottling up my feelings did more harm than good. I thought nobody would ever understand me because I believed nobody was going through the struggles that I was going through. I was wrong, I was the one pushing everyone away. I thought it would be better for me and the people around me, so that I wouldn't be a burden to anyone. In the end, the only person I was hurting was myself. None of my friends could see the hurt through my eyes. I did not want them to anyway but deep in my heart, I was hoping someone, or anybody to look into my eyes and say ' you are not okay '. All of the things I wanted which I could easily just buy, I wanted a true friend so much, and that is someone you cannot buy. A true friend who understands me and is willing to listen to me, and not just ditch me when they find another friend. I have so many friends like that and I keep wondering to myself what have I done wrong to lose a friend. Up to now, I still don't have the answer. It really hurts when I treat my friends like my true friends and they don't. I tell them most of my troubles but they don't. Do they not trust me? I have a friend who everyone thinks I am very close to. In actual fact, after 3 or 4 lines of our conversation, there will be awkward silence. Close friends aren't like that. We should be comfortable speaking about anything. There is just this invisible obstacle that I cannot break through between us, I tried and tried but I just couldn't. So I guess I should just let her go. I hope that in 2014, when I start schooling, I can find at least one true friend that I can comfortably speak with. But I am glad that my cousin is by my side these few days just before the start of a new year. We haven't really spoken for years since our childhood days. We had our problems so we kept our distance. I think timing is key when it comes to finding a true friend, or in this case, cousin. We talked so much these past few days, I even stayed till 4am just to catch up with him. That was when I realized that we had so much in common, and that somebody out there actually cares about me and understands my struggles. When we hang out yesterday on New Year's eve, we literally did not stop talking at all the whole time. Our conversation just keeps continuing and I don't even get tired talking to him. I even forgot that my leg was hurting from walking so much. I just wanted to talk, that made me extremely happy. I must say it was one of my happiest day ever, just talking and shopping.
All I want to say is, if you ever feel alone, always remember that you are not alone. There will be somebody out there who truly cares about you, that somebody if doesn't appear today, will appear someday. I hope 2014 will be an awesome year for everybody or at least better than 2013! Good luck! :)
Xoxo,
Cheryl
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