Everyone Hurts

I am not ashamed to admit that I AM HURTING INSIDE. You shouldn't be ashamed of your own feelings too, because feelings are a part of you. And if you are ashamed of them, it only means you have issues with yourself. Which is also perfectly fine because nobody is perfect, we think we aren't good enough for ourselves, we are insecure freaks. Tell me who is 100% happy with themselves?!?! NOBODY.

I have finally realised that all these years that I have been hurting and torturing myself has made me feeling almost like I'm dead. Not literally, I mean emotionally, I am like a zombie. I had no feelings, at least that's how I wanted to portray myself as, I wanted to be ICE COLD QUEEN. Whatever everybody says doesn't bother me, which IS SUCH A FUCKING BIG LIE because who wouldn't be bothered by others' opinions/judgement. All I wanted was to feel nothing. I mean yes I have feelings- happy, sad, worry all the time, but all these feelings only stayed for a while. I knew I would feel nothing eventually, so I won't be afraid of feeling THIS- PAIN.

Which then I realised feeling PAIN is a beautiful thing. Yes, it hurts like A FUCKING BITCH but HELL YEAH this is one of those moments when one will say "I'd rather hurt than to feel nothing at all". It makes me feel human again. I realised I do have feelings and that I can NEVER run away from them. FEELINGS ARE A PART OF YOU. If you can't even accept your own feelings, I am pretty sure you have issues with accepting yourself. I feel the same way, and right now I learnt that partly why I couldn't accept myself was because I always running away from my feelings. I want to tell myself and YOU, whoever may be reading this that HAVING FEELINGS IS NORMAL. You don't have to be afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.

For the first time, my heart was wrenching. It was so painful, I literally felt my heart being stabbed all the time, even in my dreams and when I wake up in the morning. Initially I was mad at myself for feeling like that. Doesn't it sound stupid to be mad at yourself for having feelings? I mean feelings cannot be controlled. I'm sorry I or you have to feel that way but that's life, you can't run away from them every time. It's impossible. LIFE ISN'T EASY OKAY. But I'm glad I have (unknowingly) given somebody a chance to hurt me. It has always been hard for me to trust someone with my problems because I felt like nobody would give a shit about me. But I did trust that someone with my problems. I let that someone in. But let's just say it wasn't Happily Ever After. In the past, the only person that has hurt me was myself, and I just let myself do it because it was myself anyway. I have been hurting and torturing myself for so long, I got numb to the constant hurt and pain I caused myself. I forgot how to feel. I had rather feel nothing, And now, I'm starting to feel again. I feel human, I feel alive. It feels good to hurt. Seriously!

They always say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain, which I totally agree. I could be cutting my wrist (don't worry I don't cut my wrist) and feel physical pain for that moment. But afterwards, the emotional pain WILL STILL BE THERE. What's the point? And worst of all, scars will remain on my wrist. To me, it just isn't worth it. I had rather experience emotional pain. I don't expect the pain to disappear anytime soon, even though I desperately want it gone but feelings will stay, at least for some time. So for the mean time, I  shall just appreciate these feelings and just enjoy being hurt.

Cheers to a better life! :))
Xoxo,
Cheryl