When I was younger I used to feel alone when I would wake up and realised that everybody was not at home. I wasn't afraid or sad that they won't come back because I knew they will, but that feeling when you wake up and not seeing them first thing in the morning, well it sucks. So every time my mom had a day off from work and stayed at home, I would feel so happy, safe and secure that somebody is home for me to wake up to. I just needed somebody's presence around me. Because back then as a child, what problems did I have? Nothing that would matter today.
I guess I have been feeling alone since young. Just that now the feelings have multiplied and they have become worse. It isn't just seeing the people you love first thing in the morning when you wake up that can fill up the loneliness. The feeling of being alone has been accumulated over the years, that you actually convinced yourself that no matter where you are, you are still gonna be lonely, even in a room load full of people.
Loneliness is a scary thing. You find ways to fill up this loneliness, thinking it would solve the problem. But no, this isn't solving, its running away from being alone. We should be asking ourselves 'why do I feel alone all the time' and solve the root of the problem. Yes, it is good to take some time off from being alone. But eventually, you will become attached to them, whether it's something or somebody. And sometimes you don't even know how much you have become dependent on them, until you have lose them. If one day they are no longer in your life, you will feel that a part of you is missing too. And that's gonna be worse.
The worst part of feeling alone is to pretend that you don't feel alone.
-Cheryl
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Monsters and love
"When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it." -Caitlyn Siehl
When I first saw this quote, it immediately hit me, what a fool I am. All this time I have been my own monster. A monster who fed me with toxic thoughts and made me believe in them. But how was I supposed to escape from myself? It made me believe all the horrible things I thought I was. But most of all, it made me hated myself as a whole. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I was disgusted with the way I look. It told me I will be happy if I became skinny. I thought I would love myself more if I was skinnier.
After 2 years, I finally stopped obsessing with my weight. Occasionally, other people's words will trigger the thought of starving myself again but I am stronger now. I can push away these thoughts. I am no longer that helpless person who can't fight back my own monster. Well that's one step to becoming a stronger and better person. Even when I see models on magazines, they are no longer my inspiration to become thinner, but my fashion inspiration. And to be honest, I have been quite proud of myself. I want to let go, and I am in the process of letting go. I want to accept my own monster, tell it that I love it. Despite all the things it did to me which I am not proud of. But in the end, the monster is still myself. I have to forgive myself, learn from my past and move on. Then I won't be a monster anymore.
I always had that fantasy that one day, I will fall in love with a boy who can make me love myself, because I hated myself so much. Silly me, how can I possibly love someone else when I can't even love myself. Cheesy as it sounds but it is true. I was confused between love and being emotionally attached to someone. I thought I have fallen in love with that person unknowingly, but the truth is I never experienced love at all. I don't know what love is. I kept giving myself fantasies of what love should be. I was deprived of love, and I had this need to feel that someone will care for me. Because I was feeling alone and that nobody cared. And because I hurt myself again and again, I picked that someone whom I believed will fill up my loneliness and repair my 'wounds'. I was in need of somebody, not in love with somebody. That someone was always there when I needed somebody to talk to, to hang out with, to comfort me. Eventually I developed an emotional attachment to him. And that becomes demanding and desperate. Because when he stopped talking to me, I thought he stopped caring for me. And when he told me he liked someone else, I became jealous, angry and hurt. At first I thought having these feelings must meant that I have fallen in love with this guy, deeply. But no, the reason I am having all these feelings is because I am emotionally attached to him. If you love someone, it won't be a need. It won't be demanding and desperate.
Anyway why do I even need a boyfriend now? If I were a boy, I would be the best/perfect boyfriend for myself. Because only I would understand myself the best. Or maybe I could just start treating myself as a boyfriend, by loving myself for who I am. Fuck those fantasies, I don't need an anonymous person to write me love letters. I would write letters to myself, and just to remind myself daily that "I am beautiful" and "I love myself".
Feelings are complicated and its hard to understand feelings. But I am trying to understand my feelings so that I can understand myself better. See now I know the difference between love and being emotionally attached, thanks to that someone. I also learnt that I can't love someone else if I can't even love myself. And then I came across this quote, that brought a whole new level of insight to me. It's such a simple yet a beautiful quote, if you can relate to it. I almost cried when I saw this quote, because it meant so much to me.
And this time, I am serious about making myself happy. I really want to make an effort to understand myself better. I am trying to put myself as top priority now. That's why I decided to let go of our friendship so that I can prevent myself from getting more hurt. Even though it fucking hurts to end our friendship, but I am sorry I got to be selfish this time. It wasn't easy for me to do that. But for once, I just want to do something good for myself.
When I first saw this quote, it immediately hit me, what a fool I am. All this time I have been my own monster. A monster who fed me with toxic thoughts and made me believe in them. But how was I supposed to escape from myself? It made me believe all the horrible things I thought I was. But most of all, it made me hated myself as a whole. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I was disgusted with the way I look. It told me I will be happy if I became skinny. I thought I would love myself more if I was skinnier.
After 2 years, I finally stopped obsessing with my weight. Occasionally, other people's words will trigger the thought of starving myself again but I am stronger now. I can push away these thoughts. I am no longer that helpless person who can't fight back my own monster. Well that's one step to becoming a stronger and better person. Even when I see models on magazines, they are no longer my inspiration to become thinner, but my fashion inspiration. And to be honest, I have been quite proud of myself. I want to let go, and I am in the process of letting go. I want to accept my own monster, tell it that I love it. Despite all the things it did to me which I am not proud of. But in the end, the monster is still myself. I have to forgive myself, learn from my past and move on. Then I won't be a monster anymore.
I always had that fantasy that one day, I will fall in love with a boy who can make me love myself, because I hated myself so much. Silly me, how can I possibly love someone else when I can't even love myself. Cheesy as it sounds but it is true. I was confused between love and being emotionally attached to someone. I thought I have fallen in love with that person unknowingly, but the truth is I never experienced love at all. I don't know what love is. I kept giving myself fantasies of what love should be. I was deprived of love, and I had this need to feel that someone will care for me. Because I was feeling alone and that nobody cared. And because I hurt myself again and again, I picked that someone whom I believed will fill up my loneliness and repair my 'wounds'. I was in need of somebody, not in love with somebody. That someone was always there when I needed somebody to talk to, to hang out with, to comfort me. Eventually I developed an emotional attachment to him. And that becomes demanding and desperate. Because when he stopped talking to me, I thought he stopped caring for me. And when he told me he liked someone else, I became jealous, angry and hurt. At first I thought having these feelings must meant that I have fallen in love with this guy, deeply. But no, the reason I am having all these feelings is because I am emotionally attached to him. If you love someone, it won't be a need. It won't be demanding and desperate.
Anyway why do I even need a boyfriend now? If I were a boy, I would be the best/perfect boyfriend for myself. Because only I would understand myself the best. Or maybe I could just start treating myself as a boyfriend, by loving myself for who I am. Fuck those fantasies, I don't need an anonymous person to write me love letters. I would write letters to myself, and just to remind myself daily that "I am beautiful" and "I love myself".
Feelings are complicated and its hard to understand feelings. But I am trying to understand my feelings so that I can understand myself better. See now I know the difference between love and being emotionally attached, thanks to that someone. I also learnt that I can't love someone else if I can't even love myself. And then I came across this quote, that brought a whole new level of insight to me. It's such a simple yet a beautiful quote, if you can relate to it. I almost cried when I saw this quote, because it meant so much to me.
And this time, I am serious about making myself happy. I really want to make an effort to understand myself better. I am trying to put myself as top priority now. That's why I decided to let go of our friendship so that I can prevent myself from getting more hurt. Even though it fucking hurts to end our friendship, but I am sorry I got to be selfish this time. It wasn't easy for me to do that. But for once, I just want to do something good for myself.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Everyone Hurts
I am not ashamed to admit that I AM HURTING INSIDE. You shouldn't be ashamed of your own feelings too, because feelings are a part of you. And if you are ashamed of them, it only means you have issues with yourself. Which is also perfectly fine because nobody is perfect, we think we aren't good enough for ourselves, we are insecure freaks. Tell me who is 100% happy with themselves?!?! NOBODY.
I have finally realised that all these years that I have been hurting and torturing myself has made me feeling almost like I'm dead. Not literally, I mean emotionally, I am like a zombie. I had no feelings, at least that's how I wanted to portray myself as, I wanted to be ICE COLD QUEEN. Whatever everybody says doesn't bother me, which IS SUCH A FUCKING BIG LIE because who wouldn't be bothered by others' opinions/judgement. All I wanted was to feel nothing. I mean yes I have feelings- happy, sad, worry all the time, but all these feelings only stayed for a while. I knew I would feel nothing eventually, so I won't be afraid of feeling THIS- PAIN.
Which then I realised feeling PAIN is a beautiful thing. Yes, it hurts like A FUCKING BITCH but HELL YEAH this is one of those moments when one will say "I'd rather hurt than to feel nothing at all". It makes me feel human again. I realised I do have feelings and that I can NEVER run away from them. FEELINGS ARE A PART OF YOU. If you can't even accept your own feelings, I am pretty sure you have issues with accepting yourself. I feel the same way, and right now I learnt that partly why I couldn't accept myself was because I always running away from my feelings. I want to tell myself and YOU, whoever may be reading this that HAVING FEELINGS IS NORMAL. You don't have to be afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.
For the first time, my heart was wrenching. It was so painful, I literally felt my heart being stabbed all the time, even in my dreams and when I wake up in the morning. Initially I was mad at myself for feeling like that. Doesn't it sound stupid to be mad at yourself for having feelings? I mean feelings cannot be controlled. I'm sorry I or you have to feel that way but that's life, you can't run away from them every time. It's impossible. LIFE ISN'T EASY OKAY. But I'm glad I have (unknowingly) given somebody a chance to hurt me. It has always been hard for me to trust someone with my problems because I felt like nobody would give a shit about me. But I did trust that someone with my problems. I let that someone in. But let's just say it wasn't Happily Ever After. In the past, the only person that has hurt me was myself, and I just let myself do it because it was myself anyway. I have been hurting and torturing myself for so long, I got numb to the constant hurt and pain I caused myself. I forgot how to feel. I had rather feel nothing, And now, I'm starting to feel again. I feel human, I feel alive. It feels good to hurt. Seriously!
They always say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain, which I totally agree. I could be cutting my wrist (don't worry I don't cut my wrist) and feel physical pain for that moment. But afterwards, the emotional pain WILL STILL BE THERE. What's the point? And worst of all, scars will remain on my wrist. To me, it just isn't worth it. I had rather experience emotional pain. I don't expect the pain to disappear anytime soon, even though I desperately want it gone but feelings will stay, at least for some time. So for the mean time, I shall just appreciate these feelings and just enjoy being hurt.
Cheers to a better life! :))
Xoxo,
Cheryl
I have finally realised that all these years that I have been hurting and torturing myself has made me feeling almost like I'm dead. Not literally, I mean emotionally, I am like a zombie. I had no feelings, at least that's how I wanted to portray myself as, I wanted to be ICE COLD QUEEN. Whatever everybody says doesn't bother me, which IS SUCH A FUCKING BIG LIE because who wouldn't be bothered by others' opinions/judgement. All I wanted was to feel nothing. I mean yes I have feelings- happy, sad, worry all the time, but all these feelings only stayed for a while. I knew I would feel nothing eventually, so I won't be afraid of feeling THIS- PAIN.
Which then I realised feeling PAIN is a beautiful thing. Yes, it hurts like A FUCKING BITCH but HELL YEAH this is one of those moments when one will say "I'd rather hurt than to feel nothing at all". It makes me feel human again. I realised I do have feelings and that I can NEVER run away from them. FEELINGS ARE A PART OF YOU. If you can't even accept your own feelings, I am pretty sure you have issues with accepting yourself. I feel the same way, and right now I learnt that partly why I couldn't accept myself was because I always running away from my feelings. I want to tell myself and YOU, whoever may be reading this that HAVING FEELINGS IS NORMAL. You don't have to be afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.
For the first time, my heart was wrenching. It was so painful, I literally felt my heart being stabbed all the time, even in my dreams and when I wake up in the morning. Initially I was mad at myself for feeling like that. Doesn't it sound stupid to be mad at yourself for having feelings? I mean feelings cannot be controlled. I'm sorry I or you have to feel that way but that's life, you can't run away from them every time. It's impossible. LIFE ISN'T EASY OKAY. But I'm glad I have (unknowingly) given somebody a chance to hurt me. It has always been hard for me to trust someone with my problems because I felt like nobody would give a shit about me. But I did trust that someone with my problems. I let that someone in. But let's just say it wasn't Happily Ever After. In the past, the only person that has hurt me was myself, and I just let myself do it because it was myself anyway. I have been hurting and torturing myself for so long, I got numb to the constant hurt and pain I caused myself. I forgot how to feel. I had rather feel nothing, And now, I'm starting to feel again. I feel human, I feel alive. It feels good to hurt. Seriously!
They always say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain, which I totally agree. I could be cutting my wrist (don't worry I don't cut my wrist) and feel physical pain for that moment. But afterwards, the emotional pain WILL STILL BE THERE. What's the point? And worst of all, scars will remain on my wrist. To me, it just isn't worth it. I had rather experience emotional pain. I don't expect the pain to disappear anytime soon, even though I desperately want it gone but feelings will stay, at least for some time. So for the mean time, I shall just appreciate these feelings and just enjoy being hurt.
Cheers to a better life! :))
Xoxo,
Cheryl
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Tired of pretending to be happy
I have been pushing this unhappy and hate feelings towards myself for so long, that I almost forgot I even had those feelings. For once I really thought I could let go of my insecurities and become a happier person. I am wrong, I am so wrong. Pushing them away isn't a solution, I am just running away and getting numb to the pain and the hurt that I have caused myself. What if one day this numbing sensation is gone, and all these feelings could be felt again? This is how I feel now, it's so painful that I am crying, but I don't want to show my pain to others. I don't ever want to show anyone that I am broken inside. Because they wouldn't understand, nobody would. I remember how horrible I felt then. I am such a horrible person. All I have done is bring pain and hurt to myself, again and again. I hate doing this to myself but I can't help it. I have pretended to be happy when all I want is to just cry in front of people, people who care about me. But right now, I feel as if nobody cares about me, and that thought hurts me even more. I am so tired of trying to be strong for myself. I can't be strong when I, myself is my own enemy, who is always bringing me down. I just want to be free from my own thoughts, why is it so hard to just shut these thoughts away. Why do they always have to make me feel so bad. I always wish someone would tell me OUT LOUD that all these thoughts are wrong, that THEY ARE NOT TRUE. I wish somebody would assure me that I am not what I think I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)