Thinspiration?

I'm glad somebody actually commented that I was thin today. But to be honest, I think I have put on more weight but my aunt asked how much rice do I eat. I guess she meant I look thin right? Great, I have motivation to lose weight again.

I feel that I have been eating way too much, ever since I enter poly. It's almost impossible to starve yourself in school. There's always so much free time at school and you just feel like eating. Not forgetting the variety of food in school. Its harder to get sick of school food. I mean there used to be only one canteen, 8 stalls in secondary school. It's so easy to get sick of school food, actually food weren't even appealing to me. There simply was NO NEED to eat. Now I have 4 food courts to choose from. Almost everyday you be craving for something different. And the fact that your friends are always hungry, makes you wanna eat to. It isn't like secondary school anymore. I don't have friends whom I competed with who ate lesser. Everyone in poly is eating, I AM SO TEMPTED TO EAT TOO. IT'S SO HARD to get back to those days. But I have to start from somewhere right. I secretly wish work comes in soon, so that I will be 'too busy' to eat. Even if I am not, it will be a reason for not eating.

Is it disgusting that I am getting thinspiration from my 8 year old cousin? I mean she is all sticks and bones. Here I am all curvy, with big thighs and they are just gross. I wish to look thin again. She probably be looking at me, thinking I want to be her when I grow up. I mean she likes my dressing and even the toys I played at her age. I have a feeling she will grow up to be like me. But I don't know. I wouldn't want her or any kids to think the way like I do, feeling insecure and everything. It's tiring, it's depressing. Yet I can't stop doing it myself. The irony. I remember the day I was in the lift with a man and her grand daughter (I think), he looked at me and told her, you should be like her when you grow up. I just smiled at them but inside I was thinking what? Why would you, or anyone want to be me? If you are telling your grand daughter that because I look nice (which I don't think I do at all), then you are totally sending the wrong message to her. I pray she doesn't end up like me. It's not good at all. Maybe I look fine and 'good' on the outside but damn, what a mess inside. I don't ever want anyone, ANYONE to ever feel like that. And maybe that's why I would never want a kid, especially a girl. Because I am afraid she will be a duplicate of me. I know I will never be a responsible mother. I don't know how to treat her right. I just can't bear to see anyone in my position, except myself.

It's funny how I wanted to be a teacher when I was young. I loved kids. I wanted to teach kids. But now I am just afraid of kids. I am scared to play with them. I avoid interacting with any kids as much as possible. I don't know why. I would say I hate kids, but really I don't. I just don't know how to handle myself.

Do not wake me up

Don't ever, ever wake me up whenever I have insufficient sleep. I wouldn't blame you for it but I would blame myself for the thousand and one things I didn't do because I am 'tired'. I can go back in time to blame for things that happened 4 years ago and I also blame for the things that I simply did not do today. And it ticks me off because I have no reason, NO REASON TO NOT DO ANYTHING or what I think I should be doing. It's not like I am sick enough to not do something. *Laughs*

THE FUCKING TRUTH IS I AM NEVER SICK ENOUGH. MAYBE I AM CRAZY, MAYBE I JUST NEED TO BE SICK SO THAT I CAN JUSTIFY THAT FOR ONE DAY, JUST ONE DAY IT IS OKAY TO NOT DO ANYTHING. AND I CAN JUST LET EVERYTHING GO. BUT I DON'T. The thing is I don't even try.

What happened to wanting to be thin, what happened to not giving up? WHEN DID RECOVERING EVEN COME INTO THE PICTURE WHEN I WASN'T SICK TO BEGIN WITH?!?! People say 'oh wow look you have come so far, how did you manage to overcome your eating problems. Blah blah blah....' Firstly, I questioned myself and that person, was whatever I had even serious enough to be considered an eating disorder, and how can you overcome something that never happened?!?! Secondly, people say I AM STRONG??? *Laughs* In another way of putting it, I was chickening out, I GAVE UP ON BEING THIN BECAUSE I WAS SCARED I COULDN'T BE SMART. I COULDN'T BE EVERYTHING I WANT TO BE, THAT IS TO BE SKINNY AND SMART. I COULD ONLY CHOOSE ONE. AND I CHOSE TO BE SMART BUT TO THIS DATE, I DON'T THINK I HAVE MADE ANY SMART DECISIONS. I FEEL STUPID. EVERY. FUCKING. SINGLE. DAY.

And sometimes I wished I had never given up on being thin. If I had continued what I had been doing till now, I would maybe be thin today. Someone might notice how much I want to be thin. Someone might see that I am REALLY THIN. I remembered that time I told a counsellor I had... food issues. Damn it was a mistake telling her. She said I didn't look 'thin enough', oh oh great so now I have to LOOK anorexic to be anorexic. Great! Wouldn't that be my next THINSPIRATION (from my own counsellor). *Laughs* So okay she doesn't believe that I indeed tried to starve myself, so shouldn't I prove to her that I did? I have proof just saying. But pictures aren't damaging enough right? Not until you see the person in real life, looking ANOREXIC. What happened to anorexic not being only a physical health problem, but an EMOTIONAL problem. Doesn't that mean my counsellor is telling me she can read my mind and know that I AM LYING ABOUT MY STARVATION. Because you have to see it to believe it right? AM I RIGHT? So maybe that should be something I should be working on... showing people that I want to be thin. If people don't see it, that means I am not doing enough, that I am not doing it right.

Maybe this time I will learn not to tell anyone how I am feeling because what is the point of telling when you aren't sick enough. NOBODY WILL BELIEVE YOU. THEY WON'T CARE UNLESS SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENS TO YOU RIGHT. As much as you want to tell someone right now that you are having these unhealthy thoughts, HOLD THEM! Even if they always say 'it is bad for you, talk to someone about it blah blah, it will make you feel better' BETTER? BULLSHIT, none of these words matter to anyone, only time will tell and reveal the truth.

But I gave up so I am neither thin nor smart. I AM NOTHING. Which leads me to being a fucking pathetic loser who knows NOTHING. What do I even know about starving, what do I know about not loving myself, what do I even know about hurting myself? I ONLY KNOW GIVING UP. If I were to reflect upon my life right now, the only thing I consider 'trying in life' is this, TRYNG TO BE THIN. I was committed to it for two years, and I think that was an achievement. I mean I have never been committed or obsessed with something for that long. And even as I am not acting like before, I am still thinking about it, every single day, so I guess I was in a way still committed to that. Why did I give up on this, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. It burns me so much. I want to cry but I can't. I want to sleep but I can't.  I want to starve, well maybe I can.

Flash

Today I tried experimenting with flash and I was pretty impressed with how the pictures turn out. I was taking selfies with my EOS 700D, (yes laugh at me because I love taking HD selfies). But hey they turned out pretty cool with a little touch of editing. It was just how I pictured my future photoshoot to be like. :)

Last Train Home

I am currently on a hunt for abandoned places in Singapore to shoot. Such places are quickly disappearing here. Either they have been restricted to public or demolished, which is a pity. As soon as I knew Tanjong Pagar Railway Station is open to public on public holidays, I knew I had to shoot on Good Friday. Though I am deeply disappointed that it is not open to public on normal days, as obviously there will be a crowd on public holidays and I prefer to shoot quietly. Nonetheless I still made my way there to shoot with my friend who was my photographer <3.

Rantings

I have tried my hardest to put the past behind me and move on. But so many times, thoughts of going back to starving myself have been triggered by people in my everyday life. And what makes me more disappointed and angry is that, the person who always remind me of my past is my mother. I used to starve myself to a point that my health suffered, but I never told anyone, not even my mom. I could never tell my mom cause she thinks all these is some kind of joke. She will just laugh at it and tell me to eat. But she doesn't stop me from starving myself. Every morning, I used to survive secondary school with just a cup of fresh milk and cereal, and the cup wasn't even filled. That's all I ate till I came home because I would skip recess. Even when I came home which is already dinnertime, and my mom usually cooks at home. She knows the amount of rice I scooped is so little, like just a tablespoon of rice. She always pointed out how little rice I ate but she never tried to make me eat more. In fact, she sort of encourages because she agrees that you don't have to eat that much carbohydrates at night or you will become fat. But mind you, I haven't eaten for the whole bloody day. Sometimes I would even shake and break into cold sweat uncontrollably by dinnertime because I wasn't eating enough. Classic mom doesn't notice anything and I just let myself shake away. I guess I was trying to get her attention but I don't want to tell her directly either that 'hey look I am trying to starve myself. Do something about it.'  I always wished she would stop me from starving myself or anybody but everybody was too damn blind to notice.


And worse, she thinks I am being over sensitive whenever I think she is indirectly telling me I AM FAT. It's not rocket science to know what she truly meant, and I am certainly not overreacting because it is my mom, MY OWN MOM, telling me all these bad things like how fat my thighs look in the photo. How am I supposed to keep my cool every single bloody day with her. She only reminds me of how I wanted to be thin, how I mistreated myself, how she didn't cared for me or noticed that something was wrong with me, and the worst of all, use those words to hurt me over and over again. Do you not understand that that word FAT can just easily destroy a person. I feel so tempted to just starve myself all over again to just prove her wrong that I want to be thin and this is not some kind of joke AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW. I WANT TO SEE IF YOU WOULD EVEN DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Okay I craved for the attention from my mom maybe, but is that wrong? Aren't mothers supposed to care for your child, tell you are beautiful in your own ways and nobody should ever make you feel otherwise. My mom doesn't. And it hurts so much because MY OWN MOM makes me feel UGLY, FAT AND HORRIBLE. I give her the silent treatment every time she says something like that, and I am pretty sure she isn't that stupid to not know the reason why I am giving her the silent treatment. But classic mom pretends everything is fine and jokes about me being angry/petty. You know I could just scream at your face and tell you what the fucking problem is. But I don't scream at people, no matter how mad I am, I just don't. I am forever that coward who bottles up my feelings because I am afraid of showing my feelings to others. I don't want to cry in front of anybody because I feel stupid. I feel ridiculous opening up to my mom because she wouldn't understand. Instead I pray and wish that someone will magically know what the fucking problem is with me.

But I am VERY, VERY sick and tired of always feeling like that. Sometimes I wish vampires do exist so that they can compel my mind to forget those that made me angry or even the feeling of anger.

Feeling alone

When I was younger I used to feel alone when I would wake up and realised that everybody was not at home. I wasn't afraid or sad that they won't come back because I knew they will, but that feeling when you wake up and not seeing them first thing in the morning, well it sucks. So every time my mom had a day off from work and stayed at home, I would feel so happy, safe and secure that somebody is home for me to wake up to. I just needed somebody's presence around me. Because back then as a child, what problems did I have? Nothing that would matter today.

I guess I have been feeling alone since young. Just that now the feelings have multiplied and they have become worse. It isn't just seeing the people you love first thing in the morning when you wake up that can fill up the loneliness.  The feeling of being alone has been accumulated over the years, that you actually convinced yourself that no matter where you are, you are still gonna be lonely, even in a room load full of people.

Loneliness is a scary thing. You find ways to fill up this loneliness, thinking it would solve the problem. But no, this isn't solving, its running away from being alone. We should be asking ourselves 'why do I feel alone all the time' and solve the root of the problem. Yes, it is good to take some time off from being alone. But eventually, you will become attached to them, whether it's something or somebody. And sometimes you don't even know how much you have become dependent on them, until you have lose them. If one day they are no longer in your life, you will feel that a part of you is missing too. And that's gonna be worse.

The worst part of feeling alone is to pretend that you don't feel alone.

-Cheryl

Monsters and love

"When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it." -Caitlyn Siehl

When I first saw this quote, it immediately hit me, what a fool I am. All this time I have been my own monster. A monster who fed me with toxic thoughts and made me believe in them. But how was I supposed to escape from myself? It made me believe all the horrible things I thought I was. But most of all, it made me hated myself as a whole. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I was disgusted with the way I look.  It told me I will be happy if I became skinny. I thought I would love myself more if I was skinnier.

After 2 years, I finally stopped obsessing with my weight. Occasionally, other people's words will trigger the thought of starving myself again but I am stronger now. I can push away these thoughts. I am no longer that helpless person who can't fight back my own monster. Well that's one step to becoming a stronger and better person. Even when I see models on magazines, they are no longer my inspiration to become thinner, but my fashion inspiration. And to be honest, I have been quite proud of myself. I want to let go, and I am in the process of letting go. I want to accept my own monster, tell it that I love it. Despite all the things it did to me which I am not proud of. But in the end, the monster is still myself. I have to forgive myself, learn from my past and move on. Then I won't be a monster anymore.

I always had that fantasy that one day, I will fall in love with a boy who can make me love myself, because I hated myself so much. Silly me, how can I possibly love someone else when I can't even love myself. Cheesy as it sounds but it is true. I was confused between love and being emotionally attached to someone. I thought I have fallen in love with that person unknowingly, but the truth is I never experienced love at all. I don't know what love is. I kept giving myself fantasies of what love should be. I was deprived of love, and I had this need to feel that someone will care for me. Because I was feeling alone and that nobody cared. And because I hurt myself again and again, I picked that someone whom I believed will fill up my loneliness and repair my 'wounds'. I was in need of somebody, not in love with somebody. That someone was always there when I needed somebody to talk to, to hang out with, to comfort me. Eventually I developed an emotional attachment to him. And that becomes demanding and desperate. Because when he stopped talking to me, I thought he stopped caring for me. And when he told me he liked someone else, I became jealous, angry and hurt. At first I thought having these feelings must meant that I have fallen in love with this guy, deeply. But no, the reason I am having all these feelings is because I am emotionally attached to him. If you love someone, it won't be a need. It won't be demanding and desperate.

Anyway why do I even need a boyfriend now? If I were a boy, I would be the best/perfect boyfriend for myself. Because only I would understand myself the best. Or maybe I could just start treating myself as a boyfriend, by loving myself for who I am. Fuck those fantasies, I don't need an anonymous person to write me love letters. I would write letters to myself, and just to remind myself daily that "I am beautiful" and "I love myself".

Feelings are complicated and its hard to understand feelings. But I am trying to understand my feelings so that I can understand myself better. See now I know the difference between love and being emotionally attached, thanks to that someone. I also learnt that I can't love someone else if I can't even love myself. And then I came across this quote, that brought a whole new level of insight to me. It's such a simple yet a beautiful quote, if you can relate to it. I almost cried when I saw this quote, because it meant so much to me.

And this time, I am serious about making myself happy. I really want to make an effort to understand myself better. I am trying to put myself as top priority now. That's why I decided to let go of our friendship so that I can prevent myself from getting more hurt. Even though it fucking hurts to end our friendship, but I am sorry I got to be selfish this time. It wasn't easy for me to do that. But for once, I just want to do something good for myself.