Do not wake me up

Don't ever, ever wake me up whenever I have insufficient sleep. I wouldn't blame you for it but I would blame myself for the thousand and one things I didn't do because I am 'tired'. I can go back in time to blame for things that happened 4 years ago and I also blame for the things that I simply did not do today. And it ticks me off because I have no reason, NO REASON TO NOT DO ANYTHING or what I think I should be doing. It's not like I am sick enough to not do something. *Laughs*

THE FUCKING TRUTH IS I AM NEVER SICK ENOUGH. MAYBE I AM CRAZY, MAYBE I JUST NEED TO BE SICK SO THAT I CAN JUSTIFY THAT FOR ONE DAY, JUST ONE DAY IT IS OKAY TO NOT DO ANYTHING. AND I CAN JUST LET EVERYTHING GO. BUT I DON'T. The thing is I don't even try.

What happened to wanting to be thin, what happened to not giving up? WHEN DID RECOVERING EVEN COME INTO THE PICTURE WHEN I WASN'T SICK TO BEGIN WITH?!?! People say 'oh wow look you have come so far, how did you manage to overcome your eating problems. Blah blah blah....' Firstly, I questioned myself and that person, was whatever I had even serious enough to be considered an eating disorder, and how can you overcome something that never happened?!?! Secondly, people say I AM STRONG??? *Laughs* In another way of putting it, I was chickening out, I GAVE UP ON BEING THIN BECAUSE I WAS SCARED I COULDN'T BE SMART. I COULDN'T BE EVERYTHING I WANT TO BE, THAT IS TO BE SKINNY AND SMART. I COULD ONLY CHOOSE ONE. AND I CHOSE TO BE SMART BUT TO THIS DATE, I DON'T THINK I HAVE MADE ANY SMART DECISIONS. I FEEL STUPID. EVERY. FUCKING. SINGLE. DAY.

And sometimes I wished I had never given up on being thin. If I had continued what I had been doing till now, I would maybe be thin today. Someone might notice how much I want to be thin. Someone might see that I am REALLY THIN. I remembered that time I told a counsellor I had... food issues. Damn it was a mistake telling her. She said I didn't look 'thin enough', oh oh great so now I have to LOOK anorexic to be anorexic. Great! Wouldn't that be my next THINSPIRATION (from my own counsellor). *Laughs* So okay she doesn't believe that I indeed tried to starve myself, so shouldn't I prove to her that I did? I have proof just saying. But pictures aren't damaging enough right? Not until you see the person in real life, looking ANOREXIC. What happened to anorexic not being only a physical health problem, but an EMOTIONAL problem. Doesn't that mean my counsellor is telling me she can read my mind and know that I AM LYING ABOUT MY STARVATION. Because you have to see it to believe it right? AM I RIGHT? So maybe that should be something I should be working on... showing people that I want to be thin. If people don't see it, that means I am not doing enough, that I am not doing it right.

Maybe this time I will learn not to tell anyone how I am feeling because what is the point of telling when you aren't sick enough. NOBODY WILL BELIEVE YOU. THEY WON'T CARE UNLESS SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENS TO YOU RIGHT. As much as you want to tell someone right now that you are having these unhealthy thoughts, HOLD THEM! Even if they always say 'it is bad for you, talk to someone about it blah blah, it will make you feel better' BETTER? BULLSHIT, none of these words matter to anyone, only time will tell and reveal the truth.

But I gave up so I am neither thin nor smart. I AM NOTHING. Which leads me to being a fucking pathetic loser who knows NOTHING. What do I even know about starving, what do I know about not loving myself, what do I even know about hurting myself? I ONLY KNOW GIVING UP. If I were to reflect upon my life right now, the only thing I consider 'trying in life' is this, TRYNG TO BE THIN. I was committed to it for two years, and I think that was an achievement. I mean I have never been committed or obsessed with something for that long. And even as I am not acting like before, I am still thinking about it, every single day, so I guess I was in a way still committed to that. Why did I give up on this, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. It burns me so much. I want to cry but I can't. I want to sleep but I can't.  I want to starve, well maybe I can.