Thinspiration?

I'm glad somebody actually commented that I was thin today. But to be honest, I think I have put on more weight but my aunt asked how much rice do I eat. I guess she meant I look thin right? Great, I have motivation to lose weight again.

I feel that I have been eating way too much, ever since I enter poly. It's almost impossible to starve yourself in school. There's always so much free time at school and you just feel like eating. Not forgetting the variety of food in school. Its harder to get sick of school food. I mean there used to be only one canteen, 8 stalls in secondary school. It's so easy to get sick of school food, actually food weren't even appealing to me. There simply was NO NEED to eat. Now I have 4 food courts to choose from. Almost everyday you be craving for something different. And the fact that your friends are always hungry, makes you wanna eat to. It isn't like secondary school anymore. I don't have friends whom I competed with who ate lesser. Everyone in poly is eating, I AM SO TEMPTED TO EAT TOO. IT'S SO HARD to get back to those days. But I have to start from somewhere right. I secretly wish work comes in soon, so that I will be 'too busy' to eat. Even if I am not, it will be a reason for not eating.

Is it disgusting that I am getting thinspiration from my 8 year old cousin? I mean she is all sticks and bones. Here I am all curvy, with big thighs and they are just gross. I wish to look thin again. She probably be looking at me, thinking I want to be her when I grow up. I mean she likes my dressing and even the toys I played at her age. I have a feeling she will grow up to be like me. But I don't know. I wouldn't want her or any kids to think the way like I do, feeling insecure and everything. It's tiring, it's depressing. Yet I can't stop doing it myself. The irony. I remember the day I was in the lift with a man and her grand daughter (I think), he looked at me and told her, you should be like her when you grow up. I just smiled at them but inside I was thinking what? Why would you, or anyone want to be me? If you are telling your grand daughter that because I look nice (which I don't think I do at all), then you are totally sending the wrong message to her. I pray she doesn't end up like me. It's not good at all. Maybe I look fine and 'good' on the outside but damn, what a mess inside. I don't ever want anyone, ANYONE to ever feel like that. And maybe that's why I would never want a kid, especially a girl. Because I am afraid she will be a duplicate of me. I know I will never be a responsible mother. I don't know how to treat her right. I just can't bear to see anyone in my position, except myself.

It's funny how I wanted to be a teacher when I was young. I loved kids. I wanted to teach kids. But now I am just afraid of kids. I am scared to play with them. I avoid interacting with any kids as much as possible. I don't know why. I would say I hate kids, but really I don't. I just don't know how to handle myself.