Thinspiration?

I'm glad somebody actually commented that I was thin today. But to be honest, I think I have put on more weight but my aunt asked how much rice do I eat. I guess she meant I look thin right? Great, I have motivation to lose weight again.

I feel that I have been eating way too much, ever since I enter poly. It's almost impossible to starve yourself in school. There's always so much free time at school and you just feel like eating. Not forgetting the variety of food in school. Its harder to get sick of school food. I mean there used to be only one canteen, 8 stalls in secondary school. It's so easy to get sick of school food, actually food weren't even appealing to me. There simply was NO NEED to eat. Now I have 4 food courts to choose from. Almost everyday you be craving for something different. And the fact that your friends are always hungry, makes you wanna eat to. It isn't like secondary school anymore. I don't have friends whom I competed with who ate lesser. Everyone in poly is eating, I AM SO TEMPTED TO EAT TOO. IT'S SO HARD to get back to those days. But I have to start from somewhere right. I secretly wish work comes in soon, so that I will be 'too busy' to eat. Even if I am not, it will be a reason for not eating.

Is it disgusting that I am getting thinspiration from my 8 year old cousin? I mean she is all sticks and bones. Here I am all curvy, with big thighs and they are just gross. I wish to look thin again. She probably be looking at me, thinking I want to be her when I grow up. I mean she likes my dressing and even the toys I played at her age. I have a feeling she will grow up to be like me. But I don't know. I wouldn't want her or any kids to think the way like I do, feeling insecure and everything. It's tiring, it's depressing. Yet I can't stop doing it myself. The irony. I remember the day I was in the lift with a man and her grand daughter (I think), he looked at me and told her, you should be like her when you grow up. I just smiled at them but inside I was thinking what? Why would you, or anyone want to be me? If you are telling your grand daughter that because I look nice (which I don't think I do at all), then you are totally sending the wrong message to her. I pray she doesn't end up like me. It's not good at all. Maybe I look fine and 'good' on the outside but damn, what a mess inside. I don't ever want anyone, ANYONE to ever feel like that. And maybe that's why I would never want a kid, especially a girl. Because I am afraid she will be a duplicate of me. I know I will never be a responsible mother. I don't know how to treat her right. I just can't bear to see anyone in my position, except myself.

It's funny how I wanted to be a teacher when I was young. I loved kids. I wanted to teach kids. But now I am just afraid of kids. I am scared to play with them. I avoid interacting with any kids as much as possible. I don't know why. I would say I hate kids, but really I don't. I just don't know how to handle myself.

Do not wake me up

Don't ever, ever wake me up whenever I have insufficient sleep. I wouldn't blame you for it but I would blame myself for the thousand and one things I didn't do because I am 'tired'. I can go back in time to blame for things that happened 4 years ago and I also blame for the things that I simply did not do today. And it ticks me off because I have no reason, NO REASON TO NOT DO ANYTHING or what I think I should be doing. It's not like I am sick enough to not do something. *Laughs*

THE FUCKING TRUTH IS I AM NEVER SICK ENOUGH. MAYBE I AM CRAZY, MAYBE I JUST NEED TO BE SICK SO THAT I CAN JUSTIFY THAT FOR ONE DAY, JUST ONE DAY IT IS OKAY TO NOT DO ANYTHING. AND I CAN JUST LET EVERYTHING GO. BUT I DON'T. The thing is I don't even try.

What happened to wanting to be thin, what happened to not giving up? WHEN DID RECOVERING EVEN COME INTO THE PICTURE WHEN I WASN'T SICK TO BEGIN WITH?!?! People say 'oh wow look you have come so far, how did you manage to overcome your eating problems. Blah blah blah....' Firstly, I questioned myself and that person, was whatever I had even serious enough to be considered an eating disorder, and how can you overcome something that never happened?!?! Secondly, people say I AM STRONG??? *Laughs* In another way of putting it, I was chickening out, I GAVE UP ON BEING THIN BECAUSE I WAS SCARED I COULDN'T BE SMART. I COULDN'T BE EVERYTHING I WANT TO BE, THAT IS TO BE SKINNY AND SMART. I COULD ONLY CHOOSE ONE. AND I CHOSE TO BE SMART BUT TO THIS DATE, I DON'T THINK I HAVE MADE ANY SMART DECISIONS. I FEEL STUPID. EVERY. FUCKING. SINGLE. DAY.

And sometimes I wished I had never given up on being thin. If I had continued what I had been doing till now, I would maybe be thin today. Someone might notice how much I want to be thin. Someone might see that I am REALLY THIN. I remembered that time I told a counsellor I had... food issues. Damn it was a mistake telling her. She said I didn't look 'thin enough', oh oh great so now I have to LOOK anorexic to be anorexic. Great! Wouldn't that be my next THINSPIRATION (from my own counsellor). *Laughs* So okay she doesn't believe that I indeed tried to starve myself, so shouldn't I prove to her that I did? I have proof just saying. But pictures aren't damaging enough right? Not until you see the person in real life, looking ANOREXIC. What happened to anorexic not being only a physical health problem, but an EMOTIONAL problem. Doesn't that mean my counsellor is telling me she can read my mind and know that I AM LYING ABOUT MY STARVATION. Because you have to see it to believe it right? AM I RIGHT? So maybe that should be something I should be working on... showing people that I want to be thin. If people don't see it, that means I am not doing enough, that I am not doing it right.

Maybe this time I will learn not to tell anyone how I am feeling because what is the point of telling when you aren't sick enough. NOBODY WILL BELIEVE YOU. THEY WON'T CARE UNLESS SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENS TO YOU RIGHT. As much as you want to tell someone right now that you are having these unhealthy thoughts, HOLD THEM! Even if they always say 'it is bad for you, talk to someone about it blah blah, it will make you feel better' BETTER? BULLSHIT, none of these words matter to anyone, only time will tell and reveal the truth.

But I gave up so I am neither thin nor smart. I AM NOTHING. Which leads me to being a fucking pathetic loser who knows NOTHING. What do I even know about starving, what do I know about not loving myself, what do I even know about hurting myself? I ONLY KNOW GIVING UP. If I were to reflect upon my life right now, the only thing I consider 'trying in life' is this, TRYNG TO BE THIN. I was committed to it for two years, and I think that was an achievement. I mean I have never been committed or obsessed with something for that long. And even as I am not acting like before, I am still thinking about it, every single day, so I guess I was in a way still committed to that. Why did I give up on this, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. It burns me so much. I want to cry but I can't. I want to sleep but I can't.  I want to starve, well maybe I can.